this is episode 287, and we’re going to talk about fragile executive Ego.

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Welcome to this week’s episode of The Manage Track podcast. Today we’re gonna talk about something that you’ve probably dealt with but didn’t maybe quite have the language for it, or didn’t know how common this was.

In most cases, we think there is a special situation that we’re dealing with, a special person that we are exposed to, and that shouldn’t be the case, but I hope that by listening to this episode, you realize, A, you’re not alone.

Two, this special person you’re dealing with is far more common that you might think, and it’s really all about you developing the skill to work with what we might call difficult or strong personalities and why? Understanding how a strong personality differs from an executive or a senior leader for that matter, with a fragile ego, two different pairs of shoes. So let’s start here. If you ever walked out of a meeting wondering why your boss took that feedback so personally, or if you spend way too much energy trying to figure out how to say something without setting someone off, this is what we’re gonna talk about. And in this episode, i’m not trying to trash executives, and this is why I said I really wanna distinguish between a fragile ego and a strong personality because what I wanna call out is a pattern, that, if we don’t understand this makes work with other people harder than it needs to be.

And it can get in the way of honest conversations, making smart decisions and overall having functional teams and. I think that once you understand what is actually happening, you can stop blaming yourself for how you might be in the wrong taking on the responsibility yourself to try to fix them or figure out how to get to them, and instead, you can start to navigate the whole situation around someone with a fragile ego more effectively.

In this episode, we’re going to walk through three specific things. First, where does Fragile Ego actually come from? Like, what are the root causes that make someone’s ego fragile in the first place? Then we’ll talk about how to spot it because the signs are pretty

consistent. Once you know what to look for. And finally we’ll get into the practical stuff. So how do you actually work with someone who has a fragile ego without losing your mind or your credibility?

So let’s start with the root causes. Where does this fragile ego come from? Why do some executives and senior leaders in general right end up with fragile egos? The first thing to understand here is that a lot of executives tie their identity way too closely to their role.

So their title. It becomes who they are. Their professional success becomes their worth as a person. And when that happens, now any critique of their work feels actually like a critique of them personally. So a bad quarter isn’t just a business problem, it turns into sort of an existential or like a social threat to them.

You know, not being accepted, not being recognized, and even someone disagreeing with them in a meeting isn’t just about someone having a different opinion and now can feel like disrespect, and that over identification creates this fragility where even small feedback can feel devastating. Now the second thing is that once you get to the top or just like a little further up than the rest of the organization or your team, people stop giving you honest feedback.

And I mean like they’re really honest feedback. We actually need to hear the, I got spinach in my teeth. We talked about this in a recent episode. Your direct reports are more careful. Your peers are political. If you are working with a board, your board is really focused on outcomes, not your day-to-day behavior.

So someone in that role may start to see their self perception kind of drift. They may start thinking that they’re doing great because no one’s telling them otherwise. And then when someone finally does push back it, it can actually feel charring and like, no, hold on.

That’s not true. Because they also haven’t really exercised that muscle around receiving critical input. And now there’s a bit of a chicken egg thing.

Is it that no one’s giving them feedback and so they have an inflated ego? Or is it actually because of their inflated ego? No one had to give them feedback. We could argue, but likely in a way that I experience it and see it. It is the latter. So the fragile ego creates an environment. Where the higher up they go, the less feedback they receive.

When they first started off in a, you know, like a low level role, let’s say, people around them, leaders still felt they had the mandate to give them feedback, even if they didn’t take it well. But that was kinda part of the job and part of growing. But then the further up that they got,

that more, that mandate fell away. So I think that is a bigger driver than just the fact that they haven’t exercised the feedback muscle, so to speak. Much, but there’s some debate on this. Okay, now moving on, there’s also a fear of losing status. So an executive environment is status heavy, right?

Your reputation, your influence, the seat at the table. All that is apolitical. And B feels really precious and precarious at the same time. So even small moments of vulnerability or indecision can feel risky to an executive. And when leaders are afraid of losing control or looking weak, they may get really rich and they may get really defensive.

And that is fertility showing up as self protection.

And as you can probably see in this example, it is the insecurity and the fear that’s creating the reaction. It doesn’t come from a place of confidence

And by the way, side note, this concept of over identifying with your job is something that isn’t just applicable to executives. Anyone sort of climbing through the ranks wanting to become an executive may have that over identification. Not a must but could.

And you see this when people overly invest in the the title, the promotions, the work that they do, and it comes at a cost. They’re sacrificing other things in their lives. Those are signals. They’re not direct correlations, but those are things to watch out for. ’cause it could be. Could not, must be related to this over-identification.

So everything in their life is kind of tied into this identity of the workplace success and the self-worth is now. And their self-worth is so closely connected that if the work was to fall apart or if they lost a job, or if they receive that critical feedback, it is about their self-worth and it hence hits so much more personally.

We see this when they. Both ride the highs, meaning when they get positive feedback, they feel really high. ’cause now that boosted that self-worth and it felt really, really good. But the higher that you go on the positive side, the lower that you also fall when things get negative and you receive the hard feedback.

Because it’s inter interconnected, the self-worth with this identity and outer success, so to speak, with clients, I usually draw the two circles, right? What is the identity and the self-worth? What is that outer success? And to let’s figure out to which degree that they’re sort of like a Venn diagram.

They’re overlapping. Yeah. And when you feel like re riding that rollercoaster then you might be onto something that this has to do with how much you tie yourself first to it. And the reason why this is more common or more prominent in executives is because it is exactly the people who are very keen and sacrifice a lot in their lives to move into leadership roles and to elevate in a, in an organization, and they will go above and beyond in order to achieve this because this is what drives their self worth.

Again, I wanna be really, really clear. There are millions of executives out there who do not fall into this category at all, and that is not why they’re executives. I am just saying the density that like proportion of people with this over-identification is higher at the executive level than it would be I’d say at the frontline in an organization now to go back to the conversation around where’s this all coming from, this fragile ego.

Some executives also just haven’t developed strong emotional self-awareness or self-regulation tools, so they don’t have practices or frameworks for processing feedback sitting with discomfort or like this critique reflecting on their own actions and reactions, and so their ego becomes. Kinda the first line of defense.

So instead of pausing and thinking, they immediately deflect. ’cause that’s all they really know. They dismiss. Or they may sometimes also just double down. They’re like, let me prove you wrong. So that is another aspect that then can lead to a fragile ego. And then there’s also a bit of an organizational piece, and that is that if you are in a culture that rewards bravado, that tolerates bad behavior, that isolates leaders from real consequences,

those organizations might actually be creating an environment where eco fertility thrives. So if you’re surrounded by yes people your whole career, and if you’ve never really had to face real pushback, your sense of superiority might actually get reinforced. But it’s brittle, it’s shaky. It’s all based on the environment where that actually works and is sort of reinforced. Now we talked about different aspects such as the organizational aspect, the feedback that’s missing, all of those things.

But to be clear, those are almost superficial, like first level reasons for why fragile executive egos exist at the root of all of this. Is usually deep seated low self-esteem, and that might sound somewhat counterintuitive when you’re looking at someone who seems. Arrogant or overconfident, but fragile egos often come from insecurities.

People who are quick to belittle, others are usually projecting their own doubts outward. They’re missing what some people call the like the observing ego. They can’t step back and reflect on their own thinking and feeling, and then course correct internally, so they’re just reacting all the time. And , that deep seated insecurity often comes from childhood dynamics, other life circumstances where that started to take root.

And I’m not a therapist so I’m not gonna go into that. But there’s usually a root cause that sits really deep and that has been affecting this person for a long time. That then leads to an environment where the insecurities now start to be over compensated, and actually through the other reasons that we just talked about here. This kind of overcompensation is actually being rewarded. It turns into a success strategy for them.

So they’re doubling down on it instead of like taking a beat, maybe go to therapy, maybe really try to course correct it. It’s like no, actually this deep seated, seated insecurity this deep seated insecurity in the self-doubt, the way that they’ve learned to cope with that. Is the thing that makes them successful.

So there’s no reason for them to try to fix that. In fact, trying to fix that and get rid of it seems like a dumb idea, seems something that people would do who are losing in this game. And so they may overt, justify and say like, no, it is actually that drive that I have this thing that gets me there, this overconfidence that allows me to.

Show up and control lead, do whatever. And so it continues to build and to grow.

Now let’s move on to that second question. How do you actually spot in someone? Because eco fertility doesn’t announce itself, right? It’s not written on someone, and in fact it’s really trying to be hidden, but it does show up in patterns of behaviors and they often come out in times of stress or challenges.

So one of the clearest signs is the overreaction to feedback if even mild critique gets met with defensiveness. When they rationalize poor results or immediately blame someone else, they reframe feedback as a misunderstanding or a personal attack. Instead of saying, yeah, let me think about that. They immediately try to shut it down.

So that’s one. Another one is needing to be the smartest person in the room. So they may dominate meetings, they may interrupt. They may struggle to admit when they don’t know something, they discount ideas, especially from junior staff or people outside of their circle. And we often see that

those people with fragile egos will push back on almost anything that didn’t come from them. Another sign is that they avoid any kind of vulnerability, so they rarely acknowledge uncertainty or doubt when act actually, that’s the big thing, right? That’s running the show. But they would not ever admit that.

They also don’t like to admit mistakes. So if you see someone who isn’t able to communicate their weaknesses, their, their mistakes, their areas where they need help, they don’t ask questions when they don’t change their opinions. Those are all signs to consider.

Another one is that they often speak in absolutes. So everything is definitely, or clearly or obviously those are all different approaches to protect themselves. It’s a bit of a rigidity that acts as a defense mechanism, and you’ll also see them tie their worth to visibility and control. So they may take credit for teams wins, they may resist. Delegating or letting other people lead. Something that often comes up here is if you have a leader who will not promote you or advocate on your behalf, who kind of tries to push you down.

So if ever a leader with a fragile ego will start to notice that someone is potentially jeopardizing their role or their position, or someone could outshine them, they’re gonna immediately try to put a shadow on top on that. They will immediately try to curb that. They may react poorly when someone else gets praised or gets attention.

It’s a bit of this idea that when someone else wins, they feel like it’s their loss. So the idea of win-win or if my team wins, I kind of win. That’s not something that guides their thinking. Another one here is something that I call performing instead of connecting.

So they prioritize how they’re being perceived over actually connecting with people. So they may use polished language and executive speak to kind of deflect real conversation. And you feel at the end of it, like, Hmm, I didn’t quite get to it, but everything sounded so eloquent and so sophisticated. But you feel like you didn’t get an answer.

That is often a tactic. It’s pretty sophisticated and developed in order for them to hide their weaknesses. And so they get to that place where they almost confuse you in the process. But they do sound not confusing. They sound actually very sophisticated.

And then one more. People with fragile egos often surround themselves with loyalists, like they may shut down dissenting voices quickly, or they punish, they kind of reprimand people who challenge them, especially if they do it publicly, like in front of other people. So they will create distance from anyone who doesn’t reinforce their ideas, their worldview. And so all of that is connected to this hypersensitivity to status loss. In any time they feel like they’re being excluded or outshined, they will immediately have a strong reaction to it.

And it often turns into a bit of a competition versus a collaboration. And sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint ’cause they’re actively engaged, they’re fully involved, but it just doesn’t feel like we’re qual footing here. It doesn’t feel like they listen to you as much as they want you to listen to them.

Yeah. And then of course as a result, people around them start to walk on eggshells, and that’s a huge to, so if everyone starts to be careful in how they phrase things, if tough conversations keep getting avoided. Not because they feel conflict avoidant, but clearly it’s with this one person, with everyone else, it’s fine.

And conversations happen with this one person, rather not sort of the thought. The culture starts to feel tense and overly cautious. In such situations, you’re probably dealing with a fragile ego, and I gave you a long list here of what we call like symptoms. How do you detect it? Again, , I’m not making a diagnosis here and no, neither should.

You or anyone for that matter. These are all just signals, data points to look at, but I hope that through giving you a range of different behaviors that you are able to see how this shows up in your career, your job right now, maybe past leaders that you’ve worked with, where you can identify like, yeah, huh, that was the signal that was interesting.

Right now who are the people that demonstrate some of these signals and then start to pay attention? And now as we go into this third part of the podcast with how do you deal with someone who has a fragile ego? See if any of this could be used for you to change or slightly tweak how you engage with them.

It’s definitely a skill to learn because as I said earlier, the density of people with strong personalities or fragile egos increases as you level up in an organization. And I’m gonna add another quick side note here, but leaders, who are experienced, what you’ll notice in those leaders when they’re in an interview process is that they’re really keen to figure out who will they report into?

What’s the culture? Who are the people I will be working with most closely to ensure that there aren’t people in that group who would want them to lose, who will make sure that. They’re the new beyond the team and they won’t let you win.

’cause then those leaders know that if they find themselves on a team like this, they’re not gonna thrive and they’re likely not gonna be successful. And so it’s rather a waste of time. So it’s not time well invested. Instead, those leaders with options. And experience will make sure that in the interview process

they will check by asking really good questions by observing the team dynamics and being really careful, those signals, or it would indicate that either the leader or someone they need to closely collaborate with has a fragile ego. Those are difficult situations to succeed in if you are a new leader on the team.

So now onto that third part, how do you actually work with someone like this without enabling the behavior or losing your own effectiveness in the process? First of all. You might not like this, but you have to adjust how you deliver feedback.

And actually most of my answers will be about how you need to adjust because the person with the fragile ego that you might be dealing with isn’t here, isn’t listening to this, and it’s really hard to change someone else. I mean, it’s hard to change ourselves, changing someone else.

Almost impossible. So if they’re not actually seeing this themselves and they don’t have an incentive to go through sort of an exploration of what’s going on and then adapting their behavior really hard to do. So your best choice here is for you to make adjustments. And so when it comes to feedback, let’s start there. You need to. Be a lot more intentional with your delivery. So we wanna lead with curiosity instead of critique. So meaning instead of saying, Hey, this approach didn’t work, try, Hey, I’m wondering if you’ve considered this angle. So anytime you can make it as if it was their idea.

That’s likely going to be a useful approach. It’s, it’s a bit this eco protective framing and it might sound like, well, why do I have to do this? We’ll get to this point. And you might start thinking like, well, why do I have to do this? They should be able to take feedback directly.

’cause they’re expecting me to take feedback directly. Yes, you are probably right, but it’s not gonna help you be effective with such people. So tie your feedback to their goals, their legacy, their strategic priorities, and anytime that you can preload it with some kind of alignment such as, , Hey, I know we both want to build a high performing team. Now, here is something that I, I noticed that might be getting in the way so. Frame quick alignment. We both want this. And so here’s something that helps you achieve this. It’s tied to their direct goals.

Second, avoid any public confrontation. So if you challenge them in front of others, you might be triggering defensiveness or retaliation. So direct tough conversations to one-on-one settings where they feel less exposed. Give them room to save face, and then third, reinforce their value strategically.

Acknowledge their expertise or their vision, where it’s genuine. This can disarm reactivity. It is not about kissing up, it’s about figuring out what are the things you can genuinely acknowledge and calling that out.

Then introduce new ideas as building on their thinking, not competing with it. So for example, if you frame it as, Hey, building on what you said last week, I think we could take it even further by doing this. So now you’re not challenging them. You’re actually extending their logic and validating their logic.

Now with all that said, there is a difference between diplomacy and enabling. So we do wanna be clear-eyed about their behavior without becoming overly cautious or self silencing cause that could come at the cost of your own success. So you can also set your boundaries. If something really feels incredibly difficult, you can say, Hey, I’m happy to support, but I can’t be effective if this keeps happening. So let’s say they will continuously shut down your ideas like you.

Are in a role, you’re responsible for a particular domain. Anytime you have ideas in how to improve it. That gets shut down. And I’ve seen this particularly play out intensely if that particular leader you’re putting into was the former leader of the unit that you are now managing.

So if you are actually in their previous role and anything that you wanna change is changing what they did and what they implemented, that can now seem to them as if you are invalidating them and their past decision, even if like five years ago all these decisions made sense, but

the business evolved, the market evolved, so what was done five years ago or two years ago is no longer what needs to happen now. This can still trigger the ego of that leader who’s in the role before. If they have a fragile ego. So now saying something such as, Hey, I’m happy to support.

I’m happy to align, but I can’t be effective in my role if this keeps happening, that means you’re really clear about what you need in order for you to succeed and you’re addressing the problem head on. Because ultimately you do have to protect your own leadership credibility. And when you start to sense like, Hey, my effectiveness is constantly curved or eroded because I have to work with them.

So sometimes what it also helps is to use data or external validation. Could be surveys, research, it could be other teams who have an input because leaders with fragile egos, they often respond better to neutral evidence like data than interpersonal pushback or opinions. so that involves benchmarks, customer feedback, external trends, all of that. Here’s what the market is saying instead of, here’s what I think makes all the difference. That takes out the personal dynamic. Another thing to consider is to find allies. So when you are trying to work with a fragile child ego exec on your own, it can be difficult get through. But when you have a coalition of trust peers who can reflect. A consistent narrative that can help build and strengthen your influence upward. So you might help them see the impact without making it about personal failings. Because you almost like crowdsource and crowd validate ideas before you bring bringing it to their attention. Now, one last thing here before we wrap, and that is. Really important, but maybe hard to hear. When you work with someone who has a fragile ego, you actually are going to be called to put your own ego in check because it’s really easy to start getting reactive or defensive yourself based on your own ego.

And now that just starts to add fuel to the fire. So you have to be grounded. You have to focus on goals, not on personalities. You can’t take bait when they try to make it personal. And that all means you have to manage your own ego. If you feel like, oh my gosh, why do I have to like abide by them?

Why do I have to tolerate them? Why do I have to take this disrespect? They get personal to you. You get personal back, like it turns into an attack mode. Now it’s actually your ego that’s out of check as much as their ego is out of check. So you almost have to be the better person in that moment.

You really have to pay attention and be self-aware of where is your ego now showing up? Where are you now acting because you wanna be right versus wanting to be effective. Being effective may mean. That you just have to let it go. You have to stay focused on the goals, focus on the task, focus on the effectiveness, not on trying to prove that you’re right.

Now often a question that comes up when I work , with a leader one-on-one when this, they’re in a situation like this, is for how long should I set this out? If this ego fragility turns into toxicity, if there’s retaliation, gaslighting, scapegoating.

If you notice your own confidence is eroding over time and you notice the things that you felt so confident about, you are now insecure about, you now doubt yourself and you realize like you cannot win here. You are not showing up as your best self. That is when you have to step in and protect yourself.

Find allies. Find sponsors. And or plan to move either to a different leader, different department, different organization. But these situations rarely self-correct without some significant either and intervention or change. And the biggest thing here is don’t sacrifice your career.

Either trying to fix someone who doesn’t want to change, or demonstrating how much you can persevere and how resilient you are. If your confidence starts eroding, your effectiveness is limited. It’s time to do a really good assessment here and look at their reality of the situation.

So that is there a bit of a rundown on executive eco fertility? The root cause is how to spot it and how to work with it without losing yourself in the process. Now this stuff is real and it’s more common than people. Admit or talk about.

But once you understand the dynamics and you also know that the likelihood of you finding yourself in a situation now, or if you’re in it now, then probably in the future, again, is pretty high. And when you acknowledge the fact that whether we like it or not, whether we wish it was the case or not, it is ultimately about us.

Getting better at dealing with these situations, us becoming more skillful, that, that that is the biggest learning for us in that situation. And the second thing is.

Do your due diligence before you join a team, before you accept an offer, to make sure that you are actually finding the environments where you know you can thrive, where you see the dynamics and you know you can be effective.

Ask the right questions, pay attention to the signals, and I hope that this episode helped really understand how do you notice when this could be the case and what to do with it. Now, if you have a friend, a coworker, someone that you care about. Who is in a situation where they’re dealing with a leader who might have a fragile executive ego.

Please share this episode with them. Also, if you’re watching this on YouTube, hit subscribe, so you’ll be notified of future episodes and

it’ll also help us bring important topics like this to more leaders just like you. That’s it for today. Thanks so much, and I’ll see you next week in another episode of The Manage Track podcast.

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You can find all those links. In the show notes down below.