Episode 273 Transcript:

This is episode 273 of The Manager Track podcast. We’re going to talk about success metrics and how your metrics for success might actually be hurting you more than they’re helping you achieve your goals,

and elevate in your career as well as get closer to the ideal life that you are trying to build for yourself.

Welcome to The Manager Track podcast. I have something special for you. On this episode, I wanna talk about a theme, and I try to do this as often as possible. That comes up in coaching conversations quite often, and I also notice it in myself in how I think about my next level goals and sort of the challenge that I run into when I find myself blocked, when it isn’t quite working as I had planned it to be. It’s different. It’s harder, it takes longer. There are things that are unexpected that come up. And what happens in such situations for each of us. So I’m on this learning journey with you, but being on the outside as a coach, having these types of conversations with leaders stay in and day out, really allows me to extract some of the themes that.

Likely you, many of you will run into, and then for us to talk about it, for you to spend some time thinking about this before you run into an issue or just to be proactive in the way that you set yourself up for success. So this is gonna be one of those episodes.

They’re not long, but I try to make them practical and really leave you with some food for thought. Now, one other quick note, as you might notice. A in some of the recent episodes. If you are watching this on YouTube, you might have noticed the video quality being different.

If you’re listening this on a podcast app, you might have noticed that the audio is not what it usually is. That is because over the summer I often spend a good six, seven week abroad and I try to prepare as much as possible, but it’s definitely not as good as when I’m in my home office. So this is one of those episodes just based on what’s available to me right now. There’s no video that goes along with it, but I try to at least keep the audio quality as good as possible. Okay. Let us dive into this week’s topic.

So we’re gonna talk about two things. On one hand, I’m gonna talk about what happens when your internal equation for success is based entirely or mostly on external validation. And second, why changing your actions won’t work until you change the beliefs that are driving these actions. So here’s the deal. You are crushing it at work, right? You are the go-to person.

When things get messy, you’re the one jumping in. You deliver, you support your team. You are always there. Maybe you’re even the first to arrive and the last person to leave. And people, especially your boss or senior leaders love you for that. They tell you things such as. I don’t know what we do without you or you’re a lifesaver, or,

 I’m so grateful to have you. Thanks for your commitment. Thanks for your hard work. It’s gonna pay off or I really appreciate you going the extra mile. Those are all things that feel good, right? It’s a shot of validation that went straight to your soul, but under the surface, you may notice that something is off, that you start to feel drained, or you start to notice these little signs of.

Burnout creeping in or people pleasing, or you start to feel tired, or maybe you start to feel resentful because why are you the only one who’s chomping in to solve problems? Where is everyone else? Why is everyone relying on you? Why do you have to carry everyone’s load? Why aren’t people just doing what they’re supposed to be doing?

When your team is asked to do something, then they don’t. Then who’s gonna. Finish it up or who’s gonna bring it across the finishing line, you and that may not feel so good, even though you might think this is part of your job, part of being a manager. That’s a story for a different episode. But if that is your belief, you might still sort of like harvest the frustration.

Any annoyance. Inside. Maybe it’s that your evenings have turned into nothing but recovery mode, right? You are too tired to do anything at night, too tired to do anything on Friday. You just want to relax and so while all this is happening, you might even be in an environment, in a culture where they’re promoting work life integration, or family life and boundaries to take your time off.

And you might even tell your own team members to do all that, but when it comes to you. You are not doing that. And so in such a situation we do have a, a misalignment on the success metrics, but we also have an underlying problem here, which is that second part that I wanna talk about in terms of your beliefs that you have of about your work.

But let’s start with the success metric. I refer to this as a success equation. There are not service level habits. Your equation cannot be sort of tweaked with a new productivity app or a different calendar system. It is what you think. It, it is what drives you. And so if you are looking for the validation, the recognition on the outside for someone else to tell you or to signal to you through promotion, through added responsibilities through praise, through approval in some way.

That you are on the right track, and that is the thing that motivates you then your entire being and your actions will be geared and you’re incentivized to seek that approval. You’re constantly doing something, looking for the recognition, the approval approval, the great job.

Thank you so much, pat on the back. And it seems when we think about it and take a step back, it seems a bit like, yeah, no, I don’t do that. That seems petty. I don’t need positive feedback. I don’t need the recognition as much, but really be honest, it’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s actually how we are wired to a degree.

But the problem is when this is the main driver, you might. Underneath, totally ignore your internal success metric. ’cause everything is geared to meeting other people’s assumptions, other people’s metrics of success for you. So I, me looking at myself for example, and I said.

Hey, I wanna work out every day, or I want to have enough time to go to a conference every so often, or I wanna have an hour to sit down with my kids when they come home from school. If now that thing that I’m pursuing, these are ideals, this is what I would like to do.

If that is now at odds with me getting recognition from someone else. What do you think is gonna win is my internal sense of success, my personal goal, what I goals, what I think will lead to the life that I try to create, or the person I want to be, or the thing or I want to be, or the goals I aspire for myself is, am I now prioritizing that?

Or am I prioritizing the metrics someone else has put on me for the my professional success? Am I now not sitting down with my kids when they come home for school or skipping a workout because I know that if I do that and then I deliver something, I will get that recognition, that outside reward that’s driving me Now, as usual, on this podcast and in my world and with all my clients, we’re not in la la land.

We all know that this is not black and white. There’s a lot of gray zone where you’re gonna just have to compromise. Or sacrifice. In fact, you might not be able to go on your run over lunch if there is an urchin matter going on with a client. You might actually have to skip your lunch, skip your run to solve this client issue.

That happens and it happens for. The vast majority of us. But if that becomes the default pattern where anytime something is at odds, you will always choose what gets you recognition in the workplace, then you dominant success. Metrics will be out there and not inside.

And again, the problem with this is when you start to feel resentment. Feel burned out. Feel like you’re not having or developing the habits that would allow you to be at your best self. That would make you emotionally, physically, mentally, happy and strong. That will help you cultivate the relationships in your life that you want to create.

And if you don’t even know what those goals would be or what those habits would be, then that’s the first place to start. But even if you do know what they are, and anytime this is at odds, you choose the outer success metric. By default because you are craving that reward from someone else. That’s the thing to investigate.

Okay. I think I drove that point home. I’m gonna now talk about the second problem. So the, the thing underneath all of that. And so the second problem, and those are our core beliefs and how we think this world works, what we think makes us valuable and what we need to do to earn our place or to achieve whatever we want to achieve.

So for example, in my own life growing up, I believed truly and deeply believed that heart work leads to success. The harder you work, and I don’t mean like physically hard, I mean the longer hours you put in, the more successful you’ll be. That was totally my belief. It was so fundamental and so like ingrained that, if I was questioned on this, it’s like someone questioning gravity. It’s like, wait, what are you talking about? This has been proven like I can see all the ways that my belief has been proven in this world.

All the entrepreneurs who talk about it, all the successful people that I see, I see how hard they work, and I would totally ignore all the examples that are counter to that. All the examples of people who had fun at work. All the examples of people who were running marathons and triathlons and would train multiple hours a day for that hobby.

All the people who would stroll in at nine, 10 o’clock and leave at five or six. All the people who were getting promoted were successful, but also had kids at home that they took care of and they spent time with. And bear in mind, this was me

pre my family life. So I was just by myself in essence, having to manage my day. And I didn’t think I could work less. ’cause I thought that would be immediately at odds with my success. So in fact, if someone in this cheer, most certainly did happen all the time.

Someone said, Hey, you work too much. You need to work less, or you should have a better work life balance. My brain would literally reject it, not because I didn’t want the balance or I didn’t want to necessarily work less. Or not work less. Although I, I loved working and I had fun at it, but I loved working and I had fun of it, but that wasn’t the point.

The point was that I retracted it because the equation in my head was screaming. That’s so stupid. That’s like self-sabotage. Why would I wanna work less when working more is a what got me here into this great role. And it’s definitely what will get me to the next position. Look around, like, read the room, everyone’s working hard, what the heck are you talking about, it’s like someone telling you to stop breathing because they think that’s bad for you. No, that makes no sense. I’m not doing that. That’s dumb. And so that’s exactly what’s happening. When you should, for example, set boundaries or when you should leave work early or when you should stop saying yes to everything, but you just some sort of like can’t seem to make it stick, it’s because your belief is counter.

To what? To the thing, the action you are being told to do.

If I tell someone, Hey, when you delegate work, don’t just delegate a task, but delegate ownership. Like let them figure out not just the problem, but also the solution. Like let them own the whole thing. Don’t parachute in trying to solve it and then jumping back out. Let them struggle a bit.

That’s okay if someone may intellectually get that concept, but internally, if their belief is. I as a manager are responsible for the wellbeing of my employees, and I need to make sure they’re happy and I need to protect them from struggles. I need to help them. I need to be the one who’s removing the roadblocks, and I am responsible for them being successful and all that, by the way, sounds pretty good stuff that you read in leadership books.

You, you get plenty of affirmation that that is exactly what a good manager does. And so now here I come here as like me, Ramona as a coach, and I say let them own it. Like imagine you are on vacation and you cannot be reached because you’re hiking up Kilimanjaro.

What would they do? They can’t reach you. Would they figure it out? And if you tell me, or my client tells me, yeah, I think they probably figure it out. Or they might go ask our lawyer or they might go ask this other person. They’ll figure it out.

Okay, then let them go through the journey. Because when you are not the first person to resolve it all, they learn how to a, think more critically and beyond what they’re currently thinking about. They will become more resourceful and they actually are likely gonna rise to that occasion.

You are leaving a vacuum when you leave. You’re not available and they’re gonna fill that vacuum. That is how you support growth, not with everything, but it is a way to develop your employees and to delegate not just a task, but ownership of something and. As long as I talk about this with my client who might have this other core belief about what kind of manager they need to be, should be, or what a good manager is in the first place.

They, again, get this intellectually, but they will not implement it. It’s the only way they will not implement this on a sustainable way. They might do it. A week or a few days after, have a conversation. They’re like, oh,

this is one of those times I have to push back or I have to ask them to solve it on their own or to go ask someone else. This is one of those things that I talked to Ramon about, so let me do that. And they’ll do it. And they feel guilty. They don’t feel good. It’s uncomfortable, but we all know this is where growth happens.

So they’re sticking with it. They’re like, yep, this is uncomfortable. I’m still gonna do it. Let’s see what happens. And even if they get a positive outcome. Even if the employee actually goes back, revises the work or ex finishes the work, then delivers the final product to, to you, you’re like, oh my gosh, look at this.

I didn’t have to do it. They did it and they actually did it. Well, even if that happened, they would still have a hard time to sustainably change their leadership approach or leverage this tool in their tool belt. In situations where it would be helpful to apply in order to build and develop a team member, because it goes against their idea of what a good manager is.

It’s literally like running a software program, and that software program is like, whoa, whoa, bug. This is not what we do here. And so unless that software runs through an upgrade and now the, let’s say algorithm or the, the rules have changed, then it becomes sustainable.

Then you, then it becomes sustainable. So if you think the more that you sacrifice, the more worthy you are, or the more you support others, the more you earn your place as a manager, as a leader, or the, the more you give, the more recognition and praise you should receive. And that’s a good thing, right? Or the more recognition and praise you receive, the more successful you are.

Or to go back to this earlier example. To be an admired, successful manager, you have to support your team members, and remove their roadblocks and make things easier for them.

You have to help them. If all those things are one of them like resonates, and you’re like, yep, I think I believe that, then I encourage you to really challenge that. How is you thinking this causing problems for you? Like for me, working hard was the way to be successful. It literally made me blind. To opportunities that had nothing to do with hard work.

Networking opportunities you know, building connections and relationships that then suddenly opened up new opportunities for work or projects or ideas. I would not go to this event if I was at a training session, for example, I remember this one time flying to London for a training event.

I was so heads down trying to learn the things that was part of the curriculum and really go back to my job after and implement sort of the technicalities of what I’ve learned. I totally missed out on connecting and networking with all my peers in the industry.

We were all there because they had similar jobs to mine, to exchange ideas, to stay connected afterwards, to genuinely get to know them and their work. Their work. Such a huge lesson. You know, in addition to actually coming home with the technical knowledge, I realized on my way home how I just fell into this trap of being so focused on the work that I forgot the other things, and I started to pay attention.

And suddenly I started to realize like, hey, there’s this guy here who leaves at six o’clock on the dot every day. And you know what? He was two levels above me and successful people liked him. People liked working with him, he was doing well. Suddenly I became open to seeing alternative path, to seeing how someone is actually debunking my, my belief that hard work is the thing and the only thing that leads to success.

 This is my example. I’m sharing this to hopefully inspire you to think about what are your examples, where you are actually limiting your growth because of a particular or multiple such strong internal beliefs. And also to notice that when someone tells you to do something and it sounds reasonable and you just have a really hard time making that thing stick, you do it for a little bit and then you go back to your old ways.

It’s not that you don’t have the discipline, okay, maybe that could happen, but it’s a lot more likely that you are forgetting that there’s underneath the action, there needs to be some kind of belief that supports that action. The belief that you need to be the one solving problems for everyone else first, and that that’s what makes you successful when no one around you has any problems left.

’cause you solved them all. You will not. Delegate more ownership and let people struggle. That won’t, that won’t work. So part of coaching, by the way, is to identify those things. ’cause we often can’t see it. We can’t read the outside of the char. We can’t read the label on our own char. We have to, we can’t read the label on our own char.

Or as someone told me recently,

the eye can’t see itself. So while you might know what to do and you might even advise other people to do that thing that you, you’re actually not doing, it’s not that you’re being hypo hypocritical intentionally. It’s really part of channel only knowing. What you believe and how that then translates into your actions.

And if you wanna change your actions yourself, you wanna do things differently, you wanna build your emotional intelligence, you want to delegate more, you want to spend your time differently than you currently are. You wanna create a better work life integration, let’s say.

Or you want to be more productive and focused, or you want to spend more time every morning preparing for your meetings so that you’re less reactive or you want to get better at giving feedback, candid, timely feedback. What’s the underlying belief that you hold that might be getting in the way?

And then the first thing is to find evidence that there is another way. Let’s stick with that feedback example. If you believe that you being candid and clear and transparent with feedback, that you are gonna hurt someone’s feelings and that they’re either not gonna like you anymore or don’t wanna work for you anymore, or that they’re gonna feel demotivated as a result of that.

Look for evidence that that’s not the case. Look for all kinds of leaders who give timely, effective feedback, and by doing this, they either go, you know, the whole situation is neutral, or their employees actually have increased respect for them. They actually feel more motivated. They are more committed to this manager because that manager gives them feedback straight and gives them feedback often in an effective way.

So just look for evidence to debunk that belief. ’cause clearly we are not all operating on the same software. Now that software is totally customized. It’s custom built just for you, and everyone has a custom built software. So if you see someone else do things that you think I should do that too, but somehow I can’t figure it out.

It is because that software is different.

And then once you’ve gathered some evidence, then you can look at, okay, how do I reframe? And find a new way to think about myself or let’s say my leadership as an example, if you would think, if you think, if you currently think, the more I do for others, the more valuable I am, and then you start to think, okay, I’ve debunked that.

I see that that’s not true. That is only true for me as of now, and I see the impact or the negative consequence of that. So then what if. I start to think the more I honor my own needs and boundaries, the more sustainable and effective my leadership becomes, and as a result of that, the more valuable I am.

Does that sound true? If that sounds like a lie, then drop it, find something else. But if that sounds true for someone who would previously think, the more I do for others, the more valuable I am, then that is this new belief to really remember. Put it on a sticky note. Write it down. Think about it. Have it in writing in front of you so that you’re often reminded and when you have to make decisions or trade-offs, or let’s say in this case you have to leave at six o’clock, but you do know there’s an unanswered email in your inbox, that it’d be nice to answer it, but it can honestly also wait.

It’s not urgent, it’s not a fire drill. It can totally wait until the next day, then let it sit there, because now you do believe that the more you honor your own needs and boundaries, the more sustainable and effective your leadership enhance, the more valuable you are to others and the organization.

Okay, now now I’m gonna sort of close the loop by going back to what we’ve talked about in the beginning with the success metrics. Instead of thinking about the external praise now, especially when you do reframe your thinking, start to ask yourself, am I living by these new beliefs? Or ask yourself at the end of the day, not, did I deliver well or did I get recognized,

or is that what someone else expected? But how energized do I feel by the end of the workday? Am I able to be present with my family or friends when I get home, can I wake up without hitting snooze and actually feeling good in the morning? Can I handle unexpected challenges, changes in plans?

Without overwhelm or anxiety. Am I making decisions from a place of clarity or am I being reactive? Do I only think about today or tomorrow or maybe the end of the week, or do I have enough time to think about what’s happening in a month from now in a year from now, maybe even in five years?

Do I like what I do? Do I get closer to my goals across holistically, not just in the workplace? And so these may seem like small things, but they’re actually profound indicators. Whether you are operating on success metrics that are set by someone else, and so you only know if you are successful by someone else’s feedback or are your success metrics based on your internal metrics.

So I hope this was helpful and did provide that food for thought that I promised you at the beginning of the episode. Now I wanna also be clear, this is not something that’s easy. This shift is challenging and it’s also not a sort of like a gradual step in progression.

It’s likely more two step forwards, one step back, two step forwards, two steps back. Because your brain is going to resist it. It’s going to tell you that you’re either being lazy. That you’re letting people down, that you’re not being liked or appreciated, that you’re not living up to your potential and this resistance that’s going to come up.

Isn’t a sign that anything is going wrong. It’s actually a sign that you are doing something important. It’s that you’re challenging your software and updating it. You’re trying to update it. But the current software is like, no, no, no. Don’t update me. ’cause then I’m gonna become redundant and I’m gonna die and I don’t wanna die and become redundant.

Hang on to my software. And that’s when you’re like, no, no, no. I know it’s gonna be okay. Rest in peace. I am going to upgrade my software now, but that old software is going to make it, make it known that it doesn’t wanna be updated and upgraded.

So be patient with yourself. Through this process, and again, as I mentioned earlier, this is a really good, if you notice this for yourself, I can’t highlight enough how much working with a coach, you can see this from the outside and support you through this journey, can help and benefit you.

The chances that you’re going to A, actually make it happen. Change this for yourself and two, do it a lot faster and easier than if you’re trying to do this by yourself. Okay, that is it for today. Thank you so much for tuning in to The Manager Track podcast. I will be back next week with another episode. I’ll see you then. Bye for now.

If you enjoy this episode, then check out two other awesome resources to help you become a leader. People love to work with. This includes a free master class on how to successfully lead as a new manager. Check it at archova.org/masterclass. 

The second resource is my best-selling book, the confident and competent new manager, how to quickly rise to success in your first leadership role. Check it out at archova.org/books or head on over to Amazon and grab your copy there.